Can Barack Do This?

Jan. 16, 2009

Can Barack Do This?

Four days from now Barack Obama will be sworn into office. Hopes are high that, either through his measurable actions or his immeasurable spirit, our nation can be led through troubled waters and into some measure of confidence. So now, I loft these questions:

1. Can Barack show me how to keep my desk clean? What can he do or say that will get rid of the clutter that engulfs me, snarling my working surfaces and cubbyholes, turning my office into an array of rubble, of half-begun projects, old bills, files, folders, magazines, books, pencils, note pads?

2. What does Barack know about arthritis? As he steps into office, I'm told that my knees are on the verge of being shot to hell. I face four years of cortisone, just as Barack faces four years of crisis, pain, challenges of all sizes. Does Obama have a cortisone program? Is this asking too much?

3. Will Barack be willing to introduce a bill that, if passed, would fine or imprison anyone convicted of saying "y'know" or "like" more than 50 times in any five-minute period? I think I would give my life, or sections of my body, in support of such a measure. But will Barack have the courage to pursue it.

4. Similarly, will he lead a campaign to exile Jerry Springer and Maury Povich to the farthest, most
inaccessible reaches of the globe?

5. Can Barack be persuaded to set a limit to the injection of water into canned hams? This practice
has gone too far. Pretty soon every canned ham we buy will be 80 percent water. My canned ham advisor, Reuben Qwerty, says, "Festin ad mooble-schtick rar kinwicky," which is about as radical a statement as I've ever heard him make.

I ask all my faithful Blog Readers to talk these questions up amongst yourselves, and get back to me. Thank you.